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Finally, she asked the woman from the support group to stop coming by, itwas too painful and the police were useless. How do you ease the pain?Joan drifted away from her friends. She left her job and stayed at home.She sat for hours by the phone. Oren might call and where would she be ifshe was not be there to answer. When the phone rang, her heart wouldcringe, anxious, reaching with a trembling hand for the receiver. Ofcourse, it was someone else, a friend calling to express concern. Joannever returned their calls and began to ask people not to call. She wastoo disturbed, too distracted. She needed some quiet. Please understand,I just need some time. Sometime for Oren to call me - if I just sit hereand wait.The personal computer occupied the dining room table now. The police hadgiven Joan copies of their files to shut her up, to keep her fromhaunting their offices. She had put all their clues in the machine, everywitness, every detail. Sorting and tabulating, cross checking in. I felt sick and dizzy, and the cigarette was like a cheap knock-off of nepenthe, just barely enough to dull the urge to slit my throat with my “Hello, my name is” pin. I felt anxious and uneasy and uncomfortable, like there was an itch stuck underneath my skin that wouldn’t go away. I kind of felt like jacking off behind the dumpster, too, but I’m not sure if it was more horniness or boredom.I rubbed idly at my crotch. I hadn’t gotten any, and certainly not anything good, in a long time. Lying to myself about my sexuality probably had something to do with it. The town was kind of backwards about certain things, and being gay was a big deal. No one, not a single person I could name, was actually out. Especially back in high school. It was all downcast eyes and sidelong glances and hands groping uncertainly in the dark, and then once it was confirmed it was urgent and needy, a quick messy fuck in the boys’ room. Sometimes one of them would have a black eye the next day, or not show up.
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